I decided to wean off this medication in September, after taking it for around a year and three months. Why? I’m not entirely sure, now. It wasn’t causing any side effects. I guess I just didn’t want to have to stay on medication forever, and I wasn’t in school, so the lack of drug coverage was also a contributing factor, I guess. All these reasons sound fantastically stupid to me now.
Truthfully, I was expecting lots of horrible discontinuation symptoms. I was expecting brain zaps and freak outs and many other things that would eventually lead to me stabbing myself in the face. None of that happened. I weaned off very slowly, going from 10 mg to 7.5 mg, and staying there for a month, then to 5 mg for a month, and now, 2.5 mg. I didn’t feel anything at all until hitting the 5 mg mark, when I felt the mildest of flu-like symptoms. Nothing I couldn’t handle.
Now, two weeks into the 2.5 mg month, I am broken. I can only hope what I’m experiencing is a discontinuation symptom, but I suspect that it’s not.
I sat in traffic two days ago, on my way to my first day at my new job, and seriously considered getting out of the car and running away, screaming. My knuckles turned white as I gripped the steering wheel, desperately trying to convince myself to stay in the car and not step out onto the five-lane express freeway.
Later, I had another panic attack. Yesterday, I had another one.
The last two weeks have been anxiety-ridden for seemingly no reason. My previous therapists would say that there is always a reason for anxiety. Yes, perhaps I was nervous about my new job. Nervousness is normal. It’s not exactly normal for that nervousness to show itself in the form of a panic attack.
After these last three panic attacks, which I am certain were caused by NOTHING, I’m starting to question what my previous therapists have said. Is there always a reason for anxiety? That’s what we’re taught, but is it true? Because what I feel like is not like I’m anxious for any reason. I feel like there’s a hole in my brain which the medication was filling, and which is now slowly being depleted, which is why my panic attacks have returned.
I cried after I came home yesterday. When I was out, I sat across my friend at a restaurant, and she looked at me and very genuinely said, “We can leave if you want. You can go home. We don’t have to be here.”
That’s true. I don’t have to go to restaurants. I don’t have to go to the mall. I don’t have to work. I don’t have to go to school. I don’t have to go to parties, concerts, or shows. I don’t have to see my favourite musicals or my favourite bands when they come to my city. I don’t have to see France and Italy and Ireland. I don’t have to drive, go sailing, on a plane or on a train. I don’t have to see my best friend get married, or attend my own graduation ceremony. I don’t have to do anything. I could spend my life lying in the fetal position, living in fear of panic attacks.
But that’s not really living, is it?
I cried because I am scared of returning to my “life” of sitting at home and hiding because I was too afraid to step outside, and I can see it happening. The world looks different, painted with the heavy-handed brush of fear and distress. Lights are brighter to my oft-dilated pupils. The ground feels uneven. My car, my car, which I love so much, feels like a prison.
I regret, in this moment, weaning off the medication. It changed my life. It saved me, and I stupidly started weaning off, for what feels like no reason at all.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I messed up. I messed up.
Oh, sweetheart. I’ve tried – many times and for no reason – to stop taking medication. For me, it’s better to stay on it. And if you’re feeling vulnerable to panic and anxiety, maybe it’s time to up the dose again. If you were OK at 5mg or 7.5mg, do that until you can see your doctor again. But please talk to someone – you’re far too wonderful to be suffering so much. Lots of hugs.
You haven’t messed up! You made a choice, turns out it was not the best of the choices, but the best part of choices is that sometimes, you can remake them. So remake your choice and increase your dosage.
You have great and important things to do, so do what you need to do to not only do them, but also ENJOY them. Doesn’t matter if you need to take a pill to do it, everyone deserves to be happy, and as long as you aren’t hurting anyone (including yourself), who cares how you are making that happen.
Hi – I just saw your comment on my blog about finding each other on goodreads. Sure! What’s your name, I’ll look for you.
This is super late, but my username on Goodreads is “speppers” (http:// goodreads.com/speppers). Please do add me – I’d love to see what you’re reading! xo.
Every single person in the world experiences anxiety and for that reason I think that although there’s always a trigger for it – there’s never any reason for it. Anxiety is pervasive and something that is experienced all throughout life – but it’s useless, at least up until a certain point.
My anxiety teaches me something about myself. It shows me what I fear the most – and in that way also what I want more than anything. So to me, anxiety is like a fork in the road – I can choose to be too scared to achieve what I want most or I can work to overcome my fear and go after what I want.
You have clearly had major successes regarding anxiety please, please don’t blame it on the drugs. It’s all you and no matter what dosage you’re taking you are fully capable of handling anything.
P.S. I’m on goodreads too! My name is Tera Kristen there too