For the last few weeks, I’ve been slaving over graduate school applications. Well – okay, that’s a bold-faced lie. I have been far from slaving. A more accurate way to put it would be to say that I started my applications weeks ago, then spent the weeks following ruminating about how much I want to get it, how I’m not going to get in, and how my life is going to be over when I don’t get in. I spent some horrible early 2 AM-style mornings Googling “how to deal with rejection from graduate school”. Google was not too helpful, to be honest.
Well, now I’m done my applications and will be mailing them off in a couple of days. I felt some relief at being finished at first, but now I’m just sort of… terrified, I guess. Waiting to be rejected. At least I’m not being overdramatic about it.
In between all my maudlin displays of emotion and heartache over something so stupid as graduate school, I have also been searching for a job. You see, I have like seventy billion dollars of debt. I’m living at home with my parents and I hate it. So I would like to get a job so I can not be in debt anymore and also so that I can get my own apartment. That’s all I really want. No more debt and an apartment. And a new espresso machine and some new clothes. Never mind. I can do without all that. Just no more debt and an apartment.
Anyway, in a rather startling turn of events, I think I got one. A job, that is. I haven’t told anyone about it because I’m not sure if I actually have the job, but I think I have the job, because I’m “training” (see: studying like a maniac) for it and have keys and everything. So I think I have it. However, no one has actually said the H-word (see: hired) yet, so I’m trying not to count my chickens before they hatch. No one else is being trained or interviewed, though, so I think I have it. But I don’t really know, you know? I would be really glad if I got – if I have – this job. Money is good, but it’s not just that – it happens to be in my field and something that I want to do.
Still, I’m uncertain about everything, so I haven’t told anyone. No jinxing. This doesn’t count, right? Fingers crossed.
Although I’m still clearly mentally unstable, I have decided to very slowly wean off my medication. I am now on half the dose I had been on for the last year-ish. I don’t know why in particular I decided to do this – I guess I don’t want to have to depend on medication if I can do without it – but now I’m kind of regretting it. Well, no – I’m not regretting it, but I’m scared that I will come to regret it. Thus far, it’s alright. I haven’t had any real panic attacks – nothing like how it used to be. I haven’t avoided anything. I’m even able to drive around in The Big City without vomiting, and the stupid cab drivers and super annoying pedestrians there could make anyone vomit, I think.
But I am scared that I will come off the medication and I will completely regress back to that agoraphobic panic-ridden girl that couldn’t ride up eight floors in an elevator. I don’t ever want to go back to that, and I know that if I see myself going back there, I will start taking the medication again. I guess that’s a comfort – many people take SSRI’s (or similar medications) and have to switch things a billion times to find something that helps them. This was the first one I took, and it changed my life. At least I know now that if anything were to hurt me again, I have something to fall back on. I have something that worked for sure in making me feel like the centre of the bell curve. And that’s comforting.
Still, as of now, I’m not really comfortable with anything. I’m stuck in this period of waiting for what I am fairly certain will be bad news; I may or may not have a job; if I do have this job, it’s something very new and very difficult and it may cause me to fail miserably; and, of course, I live with my parents, which is hell.
Perhaps this period of discomfort is a good thing, though. Maybe it will teach me something new. Conflict leads to change and discomfort leads to growth, right? Maybe being comfortable means not being challenged, not being forced out of this bubble, not being strong-armed into living a bigger and better life. So I guess I’m okay with being uncomfortable.
Look at you seeing the silver lining and striving for more! Keep at it, keep at it!
Yes, keep on seeing that silver lining and striving for an even greater slice. Yes, keep at it!
This is why I love you, because we are seriously neurotic together (in a good way), and you get me. I’m so sick of living with my parents. I love them both so, so much, but I want to love them from a distance. I don’t think it’d be so bad if there weren’t five of us sharing a one-bedroom apartment. The horror!
You will more than likely get into grad school. You’re smart, and motivated, which is a great combination.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you have the job! It sounds like you do, since you’re training for it and have the keys, but I’d want to hear those words, too. Or at least fill out the necessary paperwork. (Do you have to fill out tax forms in CA? I always know I got the job when they ask me to fill out a W-2.)
I recommend staying on the medication a little longer, since it’s helping you and you’re not getting any major side effects from it (or at least from the way you describe it). You are dealing with a lot right now and it might be a good idea to wait until things settle down more (like maybe when you know you have the job, have worked a couple of months and things have gone smoothly, and get into grad school). You don’t want to overwhelm yourself! That said, it’s good that you’re keeping it in mind as a backup plan. I wish I could find a good mood stabilizer that wouldn’t have such major side effects on me. (Zoloft made me completely indifferent to everything, Celebrex made me stay up for four days straight and bounce off the walls nearly 24/7, and Seroquel-XR had no effect on me whatsoever, but made me gain twenty freaking pounds. Gah.) If you do — did? — decide to wean off it completely, definitely continue to keep it as a backup.
Some discomfort can be a good thing, but you also want to not throw too much at yourself. Just take everything in steps, a day at a time. You’ll do great. <3