I’ve been sick for the last week or so. I keep catching and re-catching the same cold over and over, probably due to actually living with other people in very small quarters. I was less sick when I had my own apartment. Another pro to moving out!
I am sick and I am bored. I don’t have a job and I miss school. All I do is cook and clean all day. I am a housewife without a husband. It is weird. I’ve never felt more useless in my entire life, but I think my family is quite enjoying my new maid-like qualities. Who wouldn’t like to walk in to a spotless home with dinner already cooked?
An astrologer told me that I probably won’t get a job for a while because my stars are misaligned or something. This is not the first time an astrologer has given me advice. I do not know if I believe in astrology. I am trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m skeptical, deep down. Despite my skepticism, though, hearing that my “birth chart is not strong in the area of income” made me burst into tears, thinking that I would never get a job and never go back to school and never achieve all the things I want to achieve. I am so suggestible. Some random person on the street could say something to me and it would play on my insecurities. I hate that about myself.
My mother thinks that I should chill out and put a positive spin on not having a job, i.e. I get to relax and do whatever I want and (cook and clean). My shrink thinks I should stop engaging in too much communication with my mother.
I just don’t know what I should be doing, you know? What does one do without school? Or work? I often think about writing a novel but I think that now that I actually have time to do it, I lack talent/motivation/creativity/ideas. I just feel aimless. I need a goal of some sort. I need to work towards something. I need meaning in my life, which I’m not finding. Who am I? If a person doesn’t contribute anything to society and the world-at-large, does she still exist?
It’s hard to say.
I so know the feeling. Not working made me crazy. Just keep looking. You’ll find something soon. It took me four months or so, but I found something. The key is to just keep trying and to not let yourself sit idly. Cooking and cleaning may be maidlike, but at least you’re not sitting on the couch; that’s what I did all day, and the longer I did it, the less motivated I became and the more depressed I felt. My loveseat is permanently softer on one side than the other because of those four months of my ass being on it, hahaha.
You will find something, though. I’m here if you need me. *hugs*
I lived that feeling for so long, haha. It is extremely frustrating and debilitating. I wish I had some advice, but I don’t really. The best thing I think I did was make a point to leave the house for some time each day. Even if it was just to go on a walk or something. I would have been way more depressed/less motivated if I didn’t force myself out of the house, I think.